As I sit on my couch by myself, I look at the empty glass of wine that sits by my computer and ask myself ‘where did it go?’ I have a tendency to lose things. I have gone to so many parties and lost socks, shoes, coats, my virginity… And most of the time you don’t get that shit back.
While sitting here, sad that my wine cup ran dry, I began thinking off all the other good things in my life that got away. No Katy Perry, my ex did not come to mind. What came to my mind, unfortunately, was a pair of super cute and comfortable underwear I once had. It was one of those things that you bought that day, wore them, and then lost them. I remember they hugged my body and lady curves in all the right places, while keeping my manhood in check and comforting the boys. I planned on getting shit faced and fully intended on showing my new underwear off.
I was having a super shitty summer, probably over a boy or lack of alcohol, and my friend Ann dragged me to a party. I was super pissed cause her older brother, Jim was throwing it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jim. He is the typical friends-older-brother-you-want-to-sit-on, but he didn’t have many gay friends. He loved the gays, but just didn’t find himself hanging around them…and he was a breeder.
To my surprise I get to this party and the host was indeed a homo. I was ecstatic when I heard this, until I met the host and the ogre took me by surprise towering. He had this certain smile about his face that annoyed me, he called it his ‘eager face’, I called it eye rape.
“Hi my name is, Doug”, he said reaching out his bear hands. It took all of my will power not to break out in tears from the disappointment.
“I need a drink!” I high fived him and proceeded to where the liquor was. The only good thing about being as ridiculous as I am, is that a select few people think I am funny, therefore I never have to bring or buy my own drinks. Take note people, if you are extremely mean, people find you funny, if people find you funny you drink for free.
After a few drinks, I started getting desperate, looking for a guy to turn. My friend Ann was like a cat in heat over some asshole that I don’t remembers name, so we will call him Asshole. Ann was doing everything but dry hump his leg and eating his dick, I would’ve stopped her but I support everyone’s orgasms, I’m not the government. She pulled me into the bathroom for, what I thought would be, some ‘girl-talk’. Instead this meant she was going to borrow Doug’s mother’s bathroom razor and proceed to shave her beaver so she was in tip top shape for this guy she was swooning over.
“Tell, this means we are best friends. I am shaving my vag in front of you!”
“I think this means you’re a fucking drunk mess,” I said attempting to drown in my drink. I was not drunk or gay enough for this.
“Doug is a nice guy, you should give him a chance,” this is something your friend says when they find someone cute at a party and want you to make the best of your unfortunate situation so they can enjoy themselves. I nodded my head.
After I was released from her beaver’s dam, I found myself scoping out my next pray at the party. I would make up a name for the guy I found to ‘hide’ his identity so I don’t get my ass sued, but I can’t for the life of me remember his fucken name, so we’ll call him Jason, and if that is actually your name, I apologize.
Jason sat in a room full of people and continued to talk about going to school for musical theatre, and that it was a busy lifestyle. I was hooked, I knew I could get this guy to throw me a kiss or two. Immediately I started flirting with him. He felt uncomfortable at first, but after a few holocaust jokes later I had him eating out of my…hand.
“So, you want to make me a drink?” I giggled as I finished off, yet again, another drink. While I listened to him talk about ‘Hello Dolly’ or some shit I managed to slam down a few more drinks. I knew I had way too much… But I also knew there was no one in the kitchen.
“Sure what will you have,” He slurred. This kid was a fucken wreck. The thing I hate is EVERY guy at a party think he is a bartender when it comes to flirting. Like he suddenly knows how to make the perfect mixed drink. You put vodka in a cup with some coke or orange juice… You aren’t a bartender. Putting my rising temper aside I just smiled at him.
“Something hard,” I smiled and gave him a wink. I have to say, I thought it was pretty clever and overly sexy of me. I followed him upstairs into the kitchen.
Jason nervously grabbed the vodka and some mixers and began mixing my drink. I tried to be sexy and get in his way, but he ignored it and moved right passed me. If I wanted to see any action tonight, I was going to have to step up my game, something that is not easily done for me since I am the unsexiest and horribly seductive person I have met. I quickly hopped up on the counter where he was making the drink and bashed my head on the cabinet above.
“FUCK!!” I yelled as I checked my head for blood. The hypochondriac in me came out briefly, brain damage or a concussion? I could only be so lucky if it knocked me out.
“Oh man, are you ok?” Jason asked as he helped me down. I quickly caught sight of a piano in the living room.
“Do you play?”I asked as I hopped down, grabbed the ‘drink’ he made me, and rushed him over to the piano. He got all excited and started playing simple piano songs he could sing along with on the piano. He was no fucking Mozart, but I was drunk enough to believe anything at this point. As he played one stereotypical song after another, I scooted closer and closer to him on the bench.
“What do you want?”
“I think you know,” I said as I leaned in for the kill.
“HEY, GUYS WHATCHA DOING?” Fucken Doug… Walking in all Ogre like and shit. Jason immediately jumped up from the piano and walked into another room. Doug took it upon himself to sit down on the bench. “I can play too.” He said.
I shut the piano cover, “play with yourself.”
Jason said goodbye to everyone and headed out. I didn’t know where he was going, I think at this point I forgot his name. I held up my drink as he left. I looked around at the room as everyone slowly started getting ‘ready’ for bed and hooking up. Doug was screaming something about no one allowed in his parent’s room. I went to Doug’s room, ignored the couple fucking on his bed, and grabbed a blanket from his closet and proceeded to an empty room with a couch on it.
This would happen to me. I give and I give and I ask for nothing back. I knew Ann was downstairs getting her freshly shaved moomoo felt up, and I was in the most annoying person’s house, on their couch, nearly black out drunk. This isn’t how anyone should spend their Saturday night.
“Hey,” Doug mumbled as he walked in and laid on the larger couch and began curling up.
“Oh my God, you are such a pussy. This is your house and you are sleeping on your bed?” I laughed at him and turned away. There are rules that must be followed when you host a party. 1-never sleep with the host’s boyfriend. 2-NEVER sleep in the host’s bed unless you are porking the host.
“I am not a pussy, I am letting my friend chill in there with his girlfriend cause it’s his birthday. Besides you wouldn’t be calling me a pussy if you’ve seen what I am packing,” Doug scoffed. Immediately my head went up and I turned to him. Who the fuck does he think he is? You don’t use a line like that, not on me. I am a fucken lady!
“Only a guy with a rice sized penis says something as stupid as that,” I looked at him. Had I been able to walk straight, I would’ve stumbled right on over there and slapped the shit out of him.
“No really, it’s huge. The thickness is like a beer-can,” Doug shot up to and stared at me.
“Prove it,” I said completely monotone. This fucker wasn’t going to get away with a lie like that. But sure enough Doug stood up ripped off his blanket undid his pants and let down what I can only describe as a naked baby mole rat. My mouth dropped. “I guess that suits the rest of your big size.” I said, turned over and I believe I went to sleep. Doug left the room calling me a cock tease.
I woke up the next day, in his parents room with the door locked completely naked. I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. I wanted the world to stop spinning long enough for me to successfully get up out of the bed and put both feet on the floor. I couldn’t remember where I was, who I was with, or who I was. The mirror on his parent’s bed reminded me really fucken quick that whoever I was, I was in need of a shower and some eye drops. The only thing I could remember was Doug crying over me being a cock tease and then it all went blank. I found my shirt and my pants, but couldn’t find my underwear. I was desperate to get out of there. I sent Ann a text. “You have 5 minutes to make morning fun before we leave”. I was desperate to leave and gave up looking for the cute underwear I had bought, so I opened his dad’s sock drawer and found some boxers. I looked for any sign of skid marks, because I am obviously not disgusting and would never wear a dirty pair of a strangers underwear. I have class. I threw them on, along with my pants and my shirt.
I opened his parents’ bedroom door and saw Doug, passed out leaning against it. THANK GOD, I didn’t sleep with him. Had I done so, I would’ve needed reconstruction surgery and would have to wear a diaper for the rest of my life. I ran downstairs to see Ann curled up next to Asshole.
“Ann lets go,” I whispered, nudging her with my foot. My nudge was more of a kick.
“What? It’s like 9am let’s sleep in,” I grabbed Alex’s arm and dragged her upstairs. Ann had enough time to grab her shoes and we were out the door running to her car. “What about your shoes,” I stopped dead in my tracks and had to remember what shoes I had worn.. Flip flops, Old Navy, $1.00.
“Ann, something’s we just have to forget, and leave behind”.