Welcome to Facebook…bitches
Naturally as a college student my life is extremely busy balancing classes, drinking, and facebook. I am starting to come to realization that I probably spend more time on facebook than anything else, which I am strangely okay with…Upon spending so much time on the overly hyped social networking site, it has come to my attention that I have failed… I have failed to teach our youth the rules of facebook, and what is not socially acceptable… Well to be honest some of it is very socially acceptable, but that is just because some members of society are assholes… So here are my tips to you…
So you want to post a photo…
Listen bitch you can post as many photos as you want but we need to set some ground rules.
1.) Bitches, I really hate it when you post photos of yourself in the mirror with your new hair cut and you leave the caption ‘a new me’…. No, it’s the same old you, giving us your best ‘high school girl duck face’ with a super shitty $5.00 hair cut.
2.) Photos of yourself in the bathroom mirror throwing up the deuces with AGAIN the duck face is never socially acceptable and you should be ashamed of yourself… You bikini belongs outside by a pool or beach, not on your body in the bathroom mirror.
3.) MEN for the love of Bob Saget STOP with the gym photos. We get it, you go to the gym. Not only do you look like a dbag posting them up on facebook, but you also look like a dbag taking the photos at the gym.
4.) PICNIC… I don’t know what bitch sat on her computer on a Friday night, don’t play we KNOW you aren’t going out with ‘friends’ and decided it was ok to edit the SHIT out of every single photo you have ever taken, but knock it off, the shit gets old.. I don’t know how many hot pink borders I can look at with ‘bff 4ever’ written across it.
5.) LAST.. We get it, you party. Not every photo of you has to be with your hip popped, mouth open wide, and red cup in your hand. We have graduated from that…well most of us have.
Airing out my dirty laundry…
So you are in a relationship?
1.) I am happy someone could look passed your physical flaws but you are really putting a lot out there by letting us know ‘it’s is complicated’. You are either dating or you are not… We don’t need to know you guys are having problems or that you guys are fucking around on each other… Get your shit together, and save your complications for your teenage pregnancy.
2.) It is obvious you aren’t in a relationship with your best gay guy friend, girl. So please stop putting up that you are married to him, and obnoxiously call each other wifey and hubby. It makes us all view you as being desperate.
3.) ‘Straight’ guys. You are not in a civil union with your buddy… Maybe you guys are secretly barebacking one another behind the local Wendy’s, but lets call a spade a spade.. You aren’t in a civil union, and we aren’t buying your little just-for-fun ‘bromance’, anymore… We know.
Omg. Uhh. Lolz. #soinlove
So you want to update your status?
1.) RULE NUMBER ONE ON FACEBOOK not everything is a milestone. You can only have so many epiphanies in your life and so many ‘starting over’s’, please don’t bore us with every time you hear a new Taylor Swift song that relates to you, you suddenly are completely changing your life around.
2.) Grow some balls people. If you are writing a status about someone specific, come out and say it. ‘I really hate some people’, is really getting old to read, be specific, tag that bitch into your status, tell them they should’ve called you back after you let them pork you.
3.) A status update is for when you do something significant… I don’t care if you are doing laundry, got a new phone and ‘need yo numbas’, or sooooo sleepy. Save your status for big things that have happened in your life.. like ‘the condom broke’, ‘knew he would come out of the closet sooner or later’ or my personal favorite ‘buzz driving on my way to AA’… Save your status updates for something clever, I just gave you three super good examples.
I hope that some of this stuff was helpful, if you have created several of these offenses, you should probably your ass off facebook… and for those parents who read this, and didn’t find the help you were looking for..SHAME ON YOU for being on facebook. NO… NO!